I'm just your average 20-something woman who gets spankings from her husband when she needs them...and loves every minute of it (usually!)

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Unwarranted Punishments

We trust that our HOHs will be fair and honest. We trust that they will know what's best for us. But the truth is, HOHs are only human. There will be times when they have had a bad day at work and spank all too quickly, or spank us for something that we don't truly deserve to be spanked for. But, as submissives, we are often under the belief that it is completely up to our HOHs to decide when to spank us. We feel that it is not our job to tell them when they can and can't give us a spanking; that would defeat the entire purpose of this relationship style. After a spanking, it is common to feel loved and taken care of and forgiven. However, if we are being spanked for something that we don't deserve to be spanked for, those feelings probably won't be present after the punishment. We might feel angry, resentful, and bitter toward the HOH. And that also defeats the purpose of domestic discipline.

An HOH might spank out of anger, which is always a big no-no. Similarly, an HOH could spank because they're frustrated due to outside factors, and consequently might spank too severely and too readily. I read about one scenario where a spankee and her family was being insulted, and the HOH did nothing to support or defend her. Because she was upset about it, and not knowing what else to do, he spanked her. I think that sometimes, spankees feel that they have to accept their punishments because they need to be submissive and obedient. They feel that if something is wrong, or if they disagree with something that the HOH has said or done, they can't express that. I think that communication is key.

I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?
Benjamin Disraeli

Now, I'm pretty sure that Benjamin Disraeli wasn't referring to DD relationships in this quote. But I do think that it can be very relevant to DD. A successful leader follows his people and understands their wants and needs so that he can understand how to cater to and provide for them. An HOH is, essentially, a leader. I think that in order to be a successful one, he needs to really understand what his partner needs. If he's spanking or punishing unfairly, then I don't think that it's unacceptable to explain it to him. That doesn't mean that you have to shout it at him, or curse at him, or anything of the sort. If you speak to him rationally about the issue, he won't have any reason to feel that you are disrespecting him. This is totally okay! Spankees are allowed to voice their concerns and their thoughts. Even though the HOH is in charge, the marriage/relationship is still a partnership, and the HOH should still value what their partner has to say. There will be times when the HOH will want to spank his partner and the partner won't feel that she warrants the spanking. DD is all about correcting harmful behaviour. It could be behaviour that's harmful to the spankee, harmful to the marriage, or harmful to others. The punishments are meant to help the spankee acknowledge and reflect on the behaviour and correct it. If the spankee winds up feeling bitter and angry after a spanking, then the desired results obviously haven't been achieved.

However, there is a difference between not wanting a spanking and not deserving a spanking. There are times when Leo thinks that I need to be spanked, and although I know that I've earned the spanking, I just don't feel like being spanked. That doesn't mean that Leo is being unfair. But, if he were to have a bad day and try to severely spank me for small and unimportant infractions, that would be unfair. If it's a punishment spanking, no one ever truly wants one. But if it becomes a battle every time the HOH mentions a spanking, that's when trouble starts to brew. For the most part, HOHs will probably be justified in their decision making. Most couples have probably had several discussions about DD and rules and punishments. There's just that odd occasion when something goes slightly awry.

A lot of HOHs, especially newer ones, aren't always completely comfortable in their roles. They might not completely understand what it means to be HOH. A lot of DD relationships are initiated by the spankee, who expresses her desire/need to be spanked. The HOH might interpret that as simply a request to be spanked, but not led. It takes awhile to really get a good grip on being authoritative over their partner, and they might feel isolated at times when they're not sure how to handle something. This is why communication is so critically important. DD is supposed to provide stability in a relationship. The HOH and his partner work as a team to combat issues that come up. So many spankees struggle to make their feelings known to their HOHs. We often neglect the fact that it can be tough on them, too. We are going to make mistakes, and our HOHs are going to make mistakes. This journey isn't easy by any means, but it doesn't have to be made alone.

Has anyone ever experienced a situation where they felt that their HOH was punishing them unfairly? How was it handled? I feel like this is an issue that is very realistic in DD, and that a lot of couples have to face at some point. I'm interested to see how the situations were dealt with! I'll leave you with one last quote to think about...

Authority should be seen as a part of leadership, not as a way around it.
Michael McKinney

Hope that everyone is having a great weekend! :)


  1. Hi, Isla!
    Brilliant post, and I understand exactly what you mean! You have explained it very eloquently, far better than I could have!
    Yes, there was one time when I felt he was spanking me unfairly, and I was so angry, my body sort of switched off; I was able to take the whole spanking silently and without even flinching once!!! He realised things were not right and stopped. We cuddled and talked about it, ended up having a good old giggle about it, and about my stubbornness, and he agreed he should not have punished me for something that essentially, was not my fault.
    He then spanked me again, for being so stubborn and unresponsive to his discipline!!!!!!! But, it was a different type of spanking, and we both laughed all the way through it!

    We have a safe word, and he stops the second I utter it, no matter what type the spanking is; to check if I am ok; I could, but would not (there's that ol stubbornness again!) say it to stop an unfair spanking... it is for emergency use only, which I take to mean, if I am really hurt either from the spanking, or from illness...using it frivolously would undermine the trust we both have in each other. xxxxxxxxxx

  2. Hi Isla,
    A brilliant post, thank you. Ive not yet been punished unfairly - more like NOT punished unfairfly if you know what i mean - ive felt i needed a spanking and ive asked and asked and he has not given me one, and then made me feel stupid and embarrassed, though not deliberately but more bad timing on my part. That, i think can be just as detrimental to the relationship as an unfair spanking. It eventually sorted itself out and now i feel back on track xx